Hi Reader
Welcome back to 1UP,
my weekly newsletter where I share all things health and mindsets to help you get stronger, feel younger and live longer.
Fixing the habit or feeling the thing?
I have never been an emotional eater.
But my go-to was alcohol.
When I was sad, I would try to find happiness in a bottle.
When I was lonely, I'd go to the bar for the illusion of being around others.
When I had something to celebrate, how else but with drinks?
When I felt insecure around my coworkers, drinking was how I would try fit in.
The list goes on.
Why is it Reader that we are so uncomfortable with our emotions?
In a coaching session, this came up recently.
This client shared how, when he gets bored or stressed, he feels like he had to do something about it. It is like an "itch that has to be scratched".
His goal was to break the habit of going to junk food when that was the case.
When I work with someone who wants to do that, I take an evidence-based approach to breaking habits:
- I help the client identify the cue
In this case, an emotion that was felt. I ask questions to help the client clearly articulate what is going on, so that the emotion becomes recognizable, impossible to miss.
- I then help the client identify the reward
Drinking helped me feel more at ease socially, it gave me a false sense of belonging, or it gave me a temporary relief from sadness.
That was the reward for me.
But I never knew it.
Food gives us comfort, or the dopamine hit.
There, I did something about it.
I scratched the itch.
The reward usually answer a deep need. But when we have an undesirable habit, like excessive drinking, smoking, turning to porn or to junk food, it is usually an unhealthy way to try to answer a real need.
To be clear, I am not judging here. The person who comes to me for support is the one who establishes that the habit is undesirable, or they know it comes in the way of their goal, or that it does not align with the person they want to be.
So many of us are stuck with excess weight for this very reason, eating our emotions.
- The last step in this process is to help the client come up with a behavior that is more aligned with their current goals
It could be as simple as healthy alternatives (a crunchy apple instead of the chips), or replacing the behavior by something else (going for a walk outside when feeling stressed out).
Then we have to work together on making it stick.
So that's where we're going with this.
However I can't help but wonder,...
Do we really have to do something about it?
Have you ever challenged yourself to sit still through an itch?
Do you know what happens when you don't scratch it?
It lasts a moment, and then, it's gone.
What if the solution to emotional eating was simply to stop trying to muffle the emotion, silence the emotion or try to get out of the emotion as quickly as we can?
Negative emotions are uncomfortable, but they are useful.
We don't like them, but they are messengers.
Imagine negative emotions are messages your body, your mind or your soul is sending to your conscious brain. They come in a black envelope.
In the black envelope come messages like these from your body, mind and soul:
"What you're doing is not working, if we keep going down this path, it's not going to end well"
"Why are you doing this to yourself? We deserve better"
"This is so painful"
"Argh, it's so boring when you scroll mindlessly on your phone"
"Hey, I want the best for you, and the direction you're taking is really scary"
Shouldn't we hear that?
Wouldn't you want for someone you love to tell you that?
Shouldn't we pay attention to what our body mind or soul are saying?
And instead of opening the envelope, we tell the postman to take it back, we throw it in the trash, and we go look for a chocolate bar or have a beer instead of taking the message.
We are missing out on an opportunity.
Negative emotions move us into action.
As I reflected on that, I realized this week that my drinking was really just that....
Avoidance.
I was trying to avoid so many things, that I wasn't going anywhere.
I was trying so hard not to feel the thing, that I missed out on the chance to change.
I wasn't maturing. I was rejecting responsibility. And I was stuck in misery.
If I compare this to the negative emotions I accepted in the past couple of years, the ones I let happen, the ones I simply rested in,...
Can I tell you something surprising?
I found so much meaning and so much beauty in those.
I think about the pain, the fear, the stress of having my baby in the hospital for months. She almost died twice. She had two open chest surgeries. She was intubated and out of consciousness for weeks. She went through so many complications and setbacks.
On the night where she went to the OR for the first time (they put a band around one of her arteries), that old habit of mine popped its head. I thought about going to the bar and have a couple of drinks there while waiting for the call from the surgeon to get a report.
Because I'd be doing something.
A strong drink would maybe burn that tightness in my chest.
I walked past the bar, and went to my empty home.
No one was there but me.
I had nothing to do but to feel the emotions, and wait for the phone to ring.
I decided I wouldn't be this person ever again.
I decided it would be fine to feel anxious and scared for a moment.
I decided I would trust God no matter what the outcome.
I felt in control.
I felt at peace.
I felt strong.
I felt scared.
And that was fine.
Being by my daughter's side in what she went through: it was hard.
But so meaningful.
Seeing her turn 2 TODAY, knowing she almost didn't make it: it gives me so much joy and gratitude.
Having been there for her through it all: it makes our relationship so much deeper.
And I would have missed out on all of this...
I wouldn't have grown in compassion...
I would have made it all about me...
If I had avoided.
If I had drowned the emotions in a strong drink.
If I had not rested in it and let it happen.
So, what do you think Reader ?
Could feeling the emotion be the solution to emotional eating?